This is a part of the first chapter of my book – that is, a book I want to write. I appreciate any type of comments on it. I intend to write it for people who want to understand a little bit of what goes through a person’s head when they suffer from depression, panic attacks, paranoia, ocd, autophagia, nightmare disorder¹, amnesia, grief, perfectionism, melancholia, insomnia, ednos, borderline personality, bipolarity, claustrophobia, hypochondria, nosophobia, schizophrenia, avoidant personality, delusional disorder, bibliomania, agoraphobia and basically a bit of a lot of mental illnesses all combined.
Based on true facts (my personal experience – yes, I’ve had all the ones cited above and probably other ones I’ve forgotten to write, some more intense than others, of course). I believe God has allowed me to go through all this to help others, since I truly know what it feels like to be how they are. They are all horrific states to be in. I don’t wish for anybody to suffer from any of the symptoms I did and weep for those who do. My prayers go out to all of you who have experienced these terrible things. I’d love to help you, so please feel free to talk to me about it. I’m almost completely recovered, and you can join me on this journey towards true freedom.
I also want to write this so that people may know that there is always hope for the broken-hearted – no matter how lost they are – and that, with God’s help, recovery is possible!
*TRIGGER WARNING* – PLEASE DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER IF YOU HAVE TROUBLE WITH TRIGGERING CONTENTS.
Usually people like ending books with “and then I woke up” to surprise its reader, because the story was about a dream or nightmare. But, this narrative is quite the opposite. In fact, it starts like that.
…and then I woke up.
Damn. I shouldn’t have. I would rather live dreaming. However, I don’t have a choice, do I? The real world awaits. Although trances are ten times more preferable than having the most boring monster of all times – routine – as a 24/7 cohort, the thought of getting stuck in a random daze in the wrong place and at the wrong time causes apprehension.
The non-sleeping life is all about planning schedules, writing them down on a paper or in your head and following its policy. Truth has to be told: the reason this is done is not to guide ourselves – it is rather to control how much time we have wasted and how much we failed by not achieving the procedure. In other words, it’s a pessimist’s way of dealing with optimism, because, to them, hope is a risky inclination they avoid to fall for.
Considering the act of being hopeful as the opposite of worrying, anxiety is faith’s antonym. The uneasy feeling people have about the past being gone, the present being now and the future becoming present and past so rapidly, has to do with lacking hope to pursue steady life-goals. The inner agitations, caused by these thoughts, create fear, and fear has a funny way of ruining everything. In fact, it’s such a funny way that’s it’s not funny at all. It’s as cruel and atrocious as the irony of the deep pleasure of having doves eat out of your hand while scratching your arm brutally until it bleeds and all the food is gone. While you stand there, static, with blood dripping from your body, you inhale the pain and smile widely, forgetting to blink once in a while. You always relive that moment in slow motion when fear passes by and welcome it once again – sometimes by just biting your lips and trenching your teeth, other times by grabbing a pointy object and sliding it across your body.
In order to understand how to deal with situations like these, it is important to understand what fear is. First of all, it must not be seen as something bad, because it is one of the various emotions humans feel to facilitate one’s awareness of a potential threat.
nightmare disorder¹ – evolved after some time, and I’ve had it for almost 3 years. The book will not mention it in the first chapter, explaining why the narrator (me) still liked sleeping.