Wishing upon a star.

“When you wish upon a star, makes no difference who you are. Anything your heart desires will come to you. If your heart is in your dream, no request is too extreme – When you wish upon a star as dreamers do. Fate is kind. She brings to those who love the sweet fulfilment of their secret longing. Like a bolt out of the blue, fate steps in and sees you through. When you wish upon a star, your dreams come true.”

These are the lyrics of a song sung in the Disney film Pinocchio. “Children” songs are deeper than we realise. Sometimes we don’t notice how strong are the meaning of the words. Other times we relate to it so much, that just the tune and tender voice of the singer makes us wonder back into the days we first heard it. That doesn’t mean we remember the day or moment we’ve first heard it. It might mean we want to remember that time, or it might mean the melody moves you in such a way that its rhythm makes you flow beyond limits, and then back again. The voyage makes your head spin and your heart pulse slower. Your lungs have to make more effort in order to get you all the oxygen you need. Because you think you don’t need it any more. You think you don’t want it any more. And, what frightens the most – if you could be in such state while listening to that song – is that you don’t understand why you are having all those sensations.

For example, I have never wished upon a star. I’ve thought about doing it, but something pulls me back. Maybe it’s Deuteronomy 5, that says, “8 You shall not make for yourself an idol, whether in the form of anything that is in heaven above, or that is on the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth. 9You shall not bow down to them or worship them; for I the Lord your God am a jealous God, punishing children for the iniquity of parents, to the third and fourth generation of those who reject me, (…)” that suddenly gives me the feeling of disobeying an important commandment by putting my hopes in a star, instead of in God. This may sound silly at first and only an innocent childish act, but one has to be careful in doing such things, for God is a Jealous God.

Maybe I’ve never wished upon a star also because of the fear of lying to myself. Stars can’t listen to me. Stars can’t feel. Stars can’t think. Stars aren’t divine. They’re creations. Just like you and me. In fact, we are more than they are. We are human. We have Someone that sacrificed Himself for us. For us! Why for us? Because we are human. Because we sin, we lie, we fail and we loose hope easily. Then we listen to songs, such as this one, to restore our inner peace. But we forget that we have never been in peace by listening to songs like this one. There is no peace within us and in songs it won’t be found. Trying to be in peace because of putting your hopes upon a star is useless. There is only one way we can feel it: Trusting the One who created it. For He is it. Peace is in Him. And, if He’s in us, then we will also have peace. Not because of us, but because of grace.

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You’re losing me.

I’ve lost you quite a while ago, and forgot that, although I didn’t have you, you still had me. Today I’ve found out that the process is going in the opposite direction – you’re the one who’s losing me. It hurts, doesn’t it? To lose someone you love. You tried to hug me today in three distinguish times, and in each one of them I stiffened and awkwardly went away, leaving you and you’re unsaid words just the same as you’ve left me some time ago – alone, rejected and hurt. You’ve also tried to kiss me – and did – twice today. But those kisses of yours were full of the suffering you blindfolded yourself not to see. I felt the love and pain altogether. It burnt me and felt an rubber-ended arrow pressing into the apple on top of one’s sacrifice. Sacrifice. I’d be yours whenever – even now that gravity’s pulling things to become even with one another. You were up and I was down. Or maybe we both were on the ground and didn’t know. What I wanted was you to be there for me. But you weren’t, and that has left me where I am now. Sensitively numb, full of empty feelings. For you. For me. For what we were. You’ve made you’re choice – even without noticing you did so – and pointed to the other side of my hope. Now that the tide has turned because of moonlight, you came back to me, but I’m no more. I haven’t changed, yet my mind has prioritised different things. I’ve learned to cope without you, and you’re ruining all of those lessons by reaching out to me now. After all this time. After all that’s happened. I forgive you. Trust me, I do. Except I’m not yet ready to step away from all these walls I’ve built around me and welcome you into my happiness. We’re separate now; unglued. And the band aid won’t stick as well on second time – or at least that’s what I’ve experienced thus far. But maybe, just maybe, for us it will be different. We’ll enjoy our time together once again. One day. Maybe. But not now. I’m far too comfortable sitting in this rock that permits a larger view. You’ve helped put me here, remember? You and your actions, words and fears. I need some time alone now. Alone without you, and you without me. For up to now I was the only one that lost. It’s almost cruel to like it that you’re losing too. You had me and I had you. I lost you while you still had me. I lost you and now you’re losing me. Apart we sail. Goodbye, my dear. I’ll be back once I figure where I had gone wrong and you’d gone right.

– 21 April 2012

Things I will not do/say to/about my spouse.

  • Argue in front of the children or anybody else.
  • Swear.
  • Curse anything, any date, anyone, or God.
  • Tell my spouse to kill me if I ever did the errors they did.
  • Say something sarcastically with the intention of making the other person a fool.
  • Hit or push them angrily.
  • Say something bad about my spouse to anyone (including my children).
  • Complain about money issues selfishly.
  • Take pride in making more money than they do.
  • Dare them to leave.
  • Tell them you’ve just not committed suicide because of the life you live with them because for the children’s sake.
  • Blame them for my depression or the children’s depression.
  • Say they don’t help out with anything.
  • Give back evil with evil.
  • Complain in the car, with the kids having nowhere to go.
  • Make them cry.
  • Tell them their clothes are horrible in a mean way.
  • Tell them they look terrible because of anything (like acne).
  • Tell them they have no reason to be sad.
  • Tell them to eat everything because people in a certain place have nothing to eat.
  • Compare them in an offensive way.
  • Say someone else is better than them.
  • Say that when I die there would be a huge queue of people wanting to marry them.
  • Complain about personal things with the visitors just so my spouse feels bad.

He’s coming! :D

As most of you know, I’m in a long distance relationship with my fiancée. We’ve met online and live 5000 miles apart. He’s booked his ticket to come and see me and I’ve been preparing for his arrival on Tuesday morning. Yesterday, when we were chatting, he said he had something he had been keeping as a secret from me, something that he’s been working on for several months, wanted be a big surprise and figured he’d tell me on Saturday (today). I got really excited and tried to guess what it was, but failed. The only thing I could think of that matched what he’d said was him being pregnant – an alternative that’s obviously impossible due to him being male. In other words, I had no idea and had to sleep with those doubts in my head, waiting for him to call me on FaceTime at 6am (10am there) so he could tell me the news. He called me and I was really eager to know what it was. He said he wanted to tell me today because he knows how much I hate the weekends and wanted to make this one better. (I hate the weekends, by the way, because I spend the whole of them in my room studying. I never go out or do anything fun and that means I have to take all the fighting that goes on at home. I don’t have any friends either, so when I go to university from Monday to Friday I feel like I’m doing something right and not so alone. To me, Fridays are dreadful.) Anyway! The news, my dear friends, was that he is arriving tomorrow. Tomorrow! I couldn’t believe it. He had already packed his bag and was heading to the airport as soon as he told me the news. I, of course, started crying like a little baby. He had told my parents and his family that he had anticipated the flight but for them to not tell me. He had also emailed me a false itinerary with switched dates some time ago. I know it may seem a bit silly to people since it’s just a 3-day change, but guys, to me this is HUGE. You see, every day is a huge struggle for me to survive. Simply keeping on living takes a huge amount of effort to me – especially during the weekends. So knowing he’ll be here tomorrow is such a relief! We haven’t seen each other since January! If he had kept it as a secret all the way and surprised me here at home it’d be somewhat dangerous for my health, for I’m taking medication for panic syndrome and could possibly have a panic attack, so yeah. This is all so unreal! He’s on the the plane now. My tummy is full of butterflies! I love him so much. :’) ❤

PS: Sorry about the diverse and random usage of verb tenses. I can’t really think straight right now. alskdfjhdsjgkdsakfj