I’ve lost you quite a while ago, and forgot that, although I didn’t have you, you still had me. Today I’ve found out that the process is going in the opposite direction – you’re the one who’s losing me. It hurts, doesn’t it? To lose someone you love. You tried to hug me today in three distinguish times, and in each one of them I stiffened and awkwardly went away, leaving you and you’re unsaid words just the same as you’ve left me some time ago – alone, rejected and hurt. You’ve also tried to kiss me – and did – twice today. But those kisses of yours were full of the suffering you blindfolded yourself not to see. I felt the love and pain altogether. It burnt me and felt an rubber-ended arrow pressing into the apple on top of one’s sacrifice. Sacrifice. I’d be yours whenever – even now that gravity’s pulling things to become even with one another. You were up and I was down. Or maybe we both were on the ground and didn’t know. What I wanted was you to be there for me. But you weren’t, and that has left me where I am now. Sensitively numb, full of empty feelings. For you. For me. For what we were. You’ve made you’re choice – even without noticing you did so – and pointed to the other side of my hope. Now that the tide has turned because of moonlight, you came back to me, but I’m no more. I haven’t changed, yet my mind has prioritised different things. I’ve learned to cope without you, and you’re ruining all of those lessons by reaching out to me now. After all this time. After all that’s happened. I forgive you. Trust me, I do. Except I’m not yet ready to step away from all these walls I’ve built around me and welcome you into my happiness. We’re separate now; unglued. And the band aid won’t stick as well on second time – or at least that’s what I’ve experienced thus far. But maybe, just maybe, for us it will be different. We’ll enjoy our time together once again. One day. Maybe. But not now. I’m far too comfortable sitting in this rock that permits a larger view. You’ve helped put me here, remember? You and your actions, words and fears. I need some time alone now. Alone without you, and you without me. For up to now I was the only one that lost. It’s almost cruel to like it that you’re losing too. You had me and I had you. I lost you while you still had me. I lost you and now you’re losing me. Apart we sail. Goodbye, my dear. I’ll be back once I figure where I had gone wrong and you’d gone right.
– 21 April 2012