C’est fini!

After 3 years and a few months of being on high doses of medication because of panic attacks and severe depression, I can now say “C’EST FINI”, at last, in June 2013! I hope this post helps one have a greater understanding of what it is like to be free from something like that. It may be compared to being free from alcohol or any other type of drugs.

As the medication I was taking was strong, I had to start putting it to an end in slow phases. But, my family was passing through a difficult financial time and paying for them was getting very hard. To make things worse, my doctor couldn’t see me anymore. He had been replaced by another doctor that basically shouted at me that I wasn’t making any worthy recoveries and that I wasn’t doing my best to get out of depression and there were lots of patients he had to see and I was wasting his time. Needless to say, I had a panic attack and never went back there again. We searched for other psychiatrists, but they were all too expensive or far away. I felt hopeless and scared. After 3 years of taking pills every day and basically depending on them, I had to make the step of stopping. On my own. The thing is, even by stopping slowly (taking lesser pills a day), I still felt really bad. My brain was so used to the chemicals. Not having them (or having them in less quantities) was hard to handle. I felt weak, sore and depressed. But something inside me told me I had to stop taking the medications sooner or later, and that now was the best time to do so. I had a wedding coming up (MY wedding) and wanted to start my married life committed and depending on my husband, not pills.

As I said, my family was out of money and I was needing medication. As you know, we are Christians and believe in the power of prayer. My dad was asked to preach somewhere and there, a man he never saw came up to him and said he asked someone to give him a lift home, since it was almost starting to rain and my dad had to catch a bus and walk a lot. On the way, the man told my dad he had a strange dream that he was with a pastor in a car, the sky was very cloudy and he gave him money for medication. Then my dad said, “Well, I’m a pastor, you’re driving me home, there are the clouds and here’s the prescription. My daughter really needs this medication and I had no idea how I was going to pay for it.” The man then gave him the right amount of money to pay for my last pieces of expensive medication. Praise the Lord! It had ended at the right time for the wedding preparations.

Anyway, being out of medication is a big thing for me. It feels strange, to say the least. I don’t have it in my daily routine anymore and sometimes I feel quite lost without it. Don’t get me wrong, I love the fact I’m finally free from it. It’s just that it’s been part of my every day life for so long that without it it feels like something’s missing. I feel liberated, but scared. Weak, but powerful. I can’t put in words all these sensations. It’s hard, and sometimes I miss taking pills, but I don’t want to go back. Oh, no!

In resume, I think that miraculous event shows how God always takes care of us, and uses human-made things (medication) for our own good. I know He is healing me and I can testify that boldly. If He had healed me, say, one week into depression, so that I didn’t have to take any pills at all, I wouldn’t have all the experiences I have today, and not be able to help others in similar situations. God’s timing is perfect. He is constantly perfecting and teaching us. We do not know His ways. Our job is to trust in Him and have faith that the best is yet to come.

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