Signs of God – Personal testimony

My husband and I have recently moved cities and we’re staring from “zero”. Before marrying, we were praying for God to show us where we should live. We had an option of 4 countries that are far away from each other. So, during those months of prayer, God began “deleting” some places for various reasons such as jobs, high flight prices and visas, letting us know He wanted us to live in Brazil. But, Brazil is a big country and we wanted to know specifically where we should live. I was praying for God to show my husband (then fiancee) in a vision or dream where we should live because I felt that if He showed him, my husband would feel like more like a leader and head of the family. My husband then had a vision of a map and he drew out the map and sent it to me via Skype. (We were in a long distance relationship.) I then said I had no idea where that place was, and we’d have to look for it. We just knew it was close to water, which could be a lake, river or sea. So, we went on Google Maps and started searching for a similar place. My husband then sent me a link of a place that looked exactly like the one in his vision. The map was perfectly compatible. This is how we knew where we should live.

The city God wanted us to live was one I had never heard of and knew nothing about and knew nobody. About three weeks before the wedding ceremony we were still searching for a place to stay (someone’s house) in our new-city-to-be but nobody knew someone who could help us. It was crazy when someone asked us where we were gong to live at the wedding ceremony day and before that and we said we didn’t know yet, but we knew what city it was. A friend of mine then said she knew a guy from the city we were going to live in and added that she hadn’t spoke to him in 2 years but he was very cool and she was sure he could help. I added him on Facebook but he didn’t say he’d help us then, just a few months afterwards. He said we couldn’t stay at his house and put a request on his Facebook page asking if anyone had a spare room and his friend said he did, and that God told him he was going to help someone that needed a place to stay. All was arranged to stay with this friend of a friend of a friend about 1 week before moving! (This was already after we had married, when we were staying at my parent’s house.) Needless to say, as the days went passed, people asked us about where we would live and thought we were crazy! What was interesting was that when we said we were going to live somewhere we’ve never been and don’t know anyone from there, but we were going to stay in a friend’s friend’s house, many christians said it was a bad idea, that it was dangerous and naive and so on (even when we explained the vision), but many non-christians said it was awesome, adventurous and cool.

We finally moved in November 2013 and went straight to this friend of of a friend of a friend’s house. We stayed with him for a month before renting out a little house for us. During this time we were given so many things from different people we’ve never seen before, all with different reasons… We arrived here with just some clothes and an air mattress, but God used many people and now we have lots of things. We were given a wardrobe, a bed, a stove, chairs and table. God is so good! Each of these things were given to us in a miraculous way. We even found the house we are now renting in a miraculous way too. But if I keep typing all the wonders God has done I would write too much! We had to buy some things but God helped us to buy them really cheaply out of someone else or a second hand shop.

One thing that happened that impacted me a lot was that we were out of money and we didn’t know what to do because we had to pay the rent the next day. We needed exactly 100 reais (about 43 dollars) more to pay the rent. We went to a random church on Sunday and the pastor said that we had to learn to live in dependancy of God and that He would take care of us, but we had to have faith. (The pastor was preaching to all the people there but I felt that message was specifically for us.) We then went home and I felt very loved by God and knew He was going to perform a miracle. I slept in peace. That same day a friend called my husband saying he had something to give to us and so my husband met with him the next day. That friend then said a man from his church came up to him with 100 reais and said God told him to give it to him, but it was not for him but he would know who it was for. And this friend felt it was for us. And so he gave my husband the 100 reais that came from someone else. The exact amount we needed to pay the rent that day! God is so wonderful! I felt even more loved by God and knew that He was taking care of us.

Last month, I started working in a place that was not very good, because people kept bullying me, saying bad things behind my back, cursing me and God and lots of other bad things. I was not feeling well there. Lots of questions aroused in my head like, “Why is God allowing this to happen? Am I supposed to be here in this job?” Every day I was crying a lot and it was very difficult for me. I was asking God for a sign that I should leave that place or stay there, but felt very confused as if God wasn’t talking to me. I’ve asked God for signs before, but they have never been a specific request. In other words, I’d say something like, “God, please give me sign so that I may know if I should ____.” But I’ve never said, for example, “God, give me sign so that I may know if I should ____ and may that sign be ____.” So, I’d always leave what the sign was for Him to decide and when the sign came, sometimes it could be confusing if it was actually a sign from God, or just a coincidence, or maybe my interpretation of a normal event. One morning I woke up and felt an urge to cry out to God for a specific sign, for I wasn’t coping any more. I was kneeling beside my bed about to pray when a thought came about the birds I see every day. (Every day as I went to work, lots of birds would fly over me. There was not one day they didn’t do this.) I asked God to not make the birds fly over me that day if I was supposed to quit my job. I said this with lots of faith and determination. I left my house and guess what… not a single bird flew over me! I looked up to the heavens and thanked God. That same day I asked to leave my job. This was the first time I’ve ever asked God for a specific sign and He gave it to me.

Now I’m asking God for direction as to what I’m supposed to do. I’m looking for jobs but I’m not sure if He wants me to have a job or not. These days that I’ve been jobless have been a time for me to know God more, read the Bible and pray more. It also was good to be jobless as we’ve moved house again because the other house had too many rats and was falling apart. I know God has put my husband and I in this city for a divine purpose but we still don’t know why. All we did was obey. Now we are waiting for the next step we should take. If you feel in your heart, please pray for us. We don’t know what church community we should take part in either and this can be very confusing. The church we’re currently going to now doesn’t bring peace in my heart but my husband is tired of jumping from church to church every Sunday so that’s why we stayed there. I feel we should have a church-house group and am praying for confirmation about that still.

C’est fini!

After 3 years and a few months of being on high doses of medication because of panic attacks and severe depression, I can now say “C’EST FINI”, at last, in June 2013! I hope this post helps one have a greater understanding of what it is like to be free from something like that. It may be compared to being free from alcohol or any other type of drugs.

As the medication I was taking was strong, I had to start putting it to an end in slow phases. But, my family was passing through a difficult financial time and paying for them was getting very hard. To make things worse, my doctor couldn’t see me anymore. He had been replaced by another doctor that basically shouted at me that I wasn’t making any worthy recoveries and that I wasn’t doing my best to get out of depression and there were lots of patients he had to see and I was wasting his time. Needless to say, I had a panic attack and never went back there again. We searched for other psychiatrists, but they were all too expensive or far away. I felt hopeless and scared. After 3 years of taking pills every day and basically depending on them, I had to make the step of stopping. On my own. The thing is, even by stopping slowly (taking lesser pills a day), I still felt really bad. My brain was so used to the chemicals. Not having them (or having them in less quantities) was hard to handle. I felt weak, sore and depressed. But something inside me told me I had to stop taking the medications sooner or later, and that now was the best time to do so. I had a wedding coming up (MY wedding) and wanted to start my married life committed and depending on my husband, not pills.

As I said, my family was out of money and I was needing medication. As you know, we are Christians and believe in the power of prayer. My dad was asked to preach somewhere and there, a man he never saw came up to him and said he asked someone to give him a lift home, since it was almost starting to rain and my dad had to catch a bus and walk a lot. On the way, the man told my dad he had a strange dream that he was with a pastor in a car, the sky was very cloudy and he gave him money for medication. Then my dad said, “Well, I’m a pastor, you’re driving me home, there are the clouds and here’s the prescription. My daughter really needs this medication and I had no idea how I was going to pay for it.” The man then gave him the right amount of money to pay for my last pieces of expensive medication. Praise the Lord! It had ended at the right time for the wedding preparations.

Anyway, being out of medication is a big thing for me. It feels strange, to say the least. I don’t have it in my daily routine anymore and sometimes I feel quite lost without it. Don’t get me wrong, I love the fact I’m finally free from it. It’s just that it’s been part of my every day life for so long that without it it feels like something’s missing. I feel liberated, but scared. Weak, but powerful. I can’t put in words all these sensations. It’s hard, and sometimes I miss taking pills, but I don’t want to go back. Oh, no!

In resume, I think that miraculous event shows how God always takes care of us, and uses human-made things (medication) for our own good. I know He is healing me and I can testify that boldly. If He had healed me, say, one week into depression, so that I didn’t have to take any pills at all, I wouldn’t have all the experiences I have today, and not be able to help others in similar situations. God’s timing is perfect. He is constantly perfecting and teaching us. We do not know His ways. Our job is to trust in Him and have faith that the best is yet to come.

Wishing upon a star.

“When you wish upon a star, makes no difference who you are. Anything your heart desires will come to you. If your heart is in your dream, no request is too extreme – When you wish upon a star as dreamers do. Fate is kind. She brings to those who love the sweet fulfilment of their secret longing. Like a bolt out of the blue, fate steps in and sees you through. When you wish upon a star, your dreams come true.”

These are the lyrics of a song sung in the Disney film Pinocchio. “Children” songs are deeper than we realise. Sometimes we don’t notice how strong are the meaning of the words. Other times we relate to it so much, that just the tune and tender voice of the singer makes us wonder back into the days we first heard it. That doesn’t mean we remember the day or moment we’ve first heard it. It might mean we want to remember that time, or it might mean the melody moves you in such a way that its rhythm makes you flow beyond limits, and then back again. The voyage makes your head spin and your heart pulse slower. Your lungs have to make more effort in order to get you all the oxygen you need. Because you think you don’t need it any more. You think you don’t want it any more. And, what frightens the most – if you could be in such state while listening to that song – is that you don’t understand why you are having all those sensations.

For example, I have never wished upon a star. I’ve thought about doing it, but something pulls me back. Maybe it’s Deuteronomy 5, that says, “8 You shall not make for yourself an idol, whether in the form of anything that is in heaven above, or that is on the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth. 9You shall not bow down to them or worship them; for I the Lord your God am a jealous God, punishing children for the iniquity of parents, to the third and fourth generation of those who reject me, (…)” that suddenly gives me the feeling of disobeying an important commandment by putting my hopes in a star, instead of in God. This may sound silly at first and only an innocent childish act, but one has to be careful in doing such things, for God is a Jealous God.

Maybe I’ve never wished upon a star also because of the fear of lying to myself. Stars can’t listen to me. Stars can’t feel. Stars can’t think. Stars aren’t divine. They’re creations. Just like you and me. In fact, we are more than they are. We are human. We have Someone that sacrificed Himself for us. For us! Why for us? Because we are human. Because we sin, we lie, we fail and we loose hope easily. Then we listen to songs, such as this one, to restore our inner peace. But we forget that we have never been in peace by listening to songs like this one. There is no peace within us and in songs it won’t be found. Trying to be in peace because of putting your hopes upon a star is useless. There is only one way we can feel it: Trusting the One who created it. For He is it. Peace is in Him. And, if He’s in us, then we will also have peace. Not because of us, but because of grace.

You’re losing me.

I’ve lost you quite a while ago, and forgot that, although I didn’t have you, you still had me. Today I’ve found out that the process is going in the opposite direction – you’re the one who’s losing me. It hurts, doesn’t it? To lose someone you love. You tried to hug me today in three distinguish times, and in each one of them I stiffened and awkwardly went away, leaving you and you’re unsaid words just the same as you’ve left me some time ago – alone, rejected and hurt. You’ve also tried to kiss me – and did – twice today. But those kisses of yours were full of the suffering you blindfolded yourself not to see. I felt the love and pain altogether. It burnt me and felt an rubber-ended arrow pressing into the apple on top of one’s sacrifice. Sacrifice. I’d be yours whenever – even now that gravity’s pulling things to become even with one another. You were up and I was down. Or maybe we both were on the ground and didn’t know. What I wanted was you to be there for me. But you weren’t, and that has left me where I am now. Sensitively numb, full of empty feelings. For you. For me. For what we were. You’ve made you’re choice – even without noticing you did so – and pointed to the other side of my hope. Now that the tide has turned because of moonlight, you came back to me, but I’m no more. I haven’t changed, yet my mind has prioritised different things. I’ve learned to cope without you, and you’re ruining all of those lessons by reaching out to me now. After all this time. After all that’s happened. I forgive you. Trust me, I do. Except I’m not yet ready to step away from all these walls I’ve built around me and welcome you into my happiness. We’re separate now; unglued. And the band aid won’t stick as well on second time – or at least that’s what I’ve experienced thus far. But maybe, just maybe, for us it will be different. We’ll enjoy our time together once again. One day. Maybe. But not now. I’m far too comfortable sitting in this rock that permits a larger view. You’ve helped put me here, remember? You and your actions, words and fears. I need some time alone now. Alone without you, and you without me. For up to now I was the only one that lost. It’s almost cruel to like it that you’re losing too. You had me and I had you. I lost you while you still had me. I lost you and now you’re losing me. Apart we sail. Goodbye, my dear. I’ll be back once I figure where I had gone wrong and you’d gone right.

– 21 April 2012

He’s coming! :D

As most of you know, I’m in a long distance relationship with my fiancée. We’ve met online and live 5000 miles apart. He’s booked his ticket to come and see me and I’ve been preparing for his arrival on Tuesday morning. Yesterday, when we were chatting, he said he had something he had been keeping as a secret from me, something that he’s been working on for several months, wanted be a big surprise and figured he’d tell me on Saturday (today). I got really excited and tried to guess what it was, but failed. The only thing I could think of that matched what he’d said was him being pregnant – an alternative that’s obviously impossible due to him being male. In other words, I had no idea and had to sleep with those doubts in my head, waiting for him to call me on FaceTime at 6am (10am there) so he could tell me the news. He called me and I was really eager to know what it was. He said he wanted to tell me today because he knows how much I hate the weekends and wanted to make this one better. (I hate the weekends, by the way, because I spend the whole of them in my room studying. I never go out or do anything fun and that means I have to take all the fighting that goes on at home. I don’t have any friends either, so when I go to university from Monday to Friday I feel like I’m doing something right and not so alone. To me, Fridays are dreadful.) Anyway! The news, my dear friends, was that he is arriving tomorrow. Tomorrow! I couldn’t believe it. He had already packed his bag and was heading to the airport as soon as he told me the news. I, of course, started crying like a little baby. He had told my parents and his family that he had anticipated the flight but for them to not tell me. He had also emailed me a false itinerary with switched dates some time ago. I know it may seem a bit silly to people since it’s just a 3-day change, but guys, to me this is HUGE. You see, every day is a huge struggle for me to survive. Simply keeping on living takes a huge amount of effort to me – especially during the weekends. So knowing he’ll be here tomorrow is such a relief! We haven’t seen each other since January! If he had kept it as a secret all the way and surprised me here at home it’d be somewhat dangerous for my health, for I’m taking medication for panic syndrome and could possibly have a panic attack, so yeah. This is all so unreal! He’s on the the plane now. My tummy is full of butterflies! I love him so much. :’) ❤

PS: Sorry about the diverse and random usage of verb tenses. I can’t really think straight right now. alskdfjhdsjgkdsakfj

I dreamt with you again.

I like hanging out with you over there, where we can talk, I can tell you my inmost secrets, you can tell me how your life is going and compare what has changed and what hasn’t. I like it how you always listen to my stories and thoughts without interrupting me and make me feel good. I like your patience with me and your sincere hugs. It’s incredible how just seeing you makes me happy, how your smile hasn’t changed after all these years and how much love I have for who you are. You’ve always helped me so much. You’ve always been there when nobody else was. Thank you.

Last night, in my dream, I told you I was going to marry next year. You got surprised, then hugged me and said, “Wow!” Looking into the horizon you smiled and I smiled with you. You said it was amazing how things had changed and I had grown into such a lovely woman, making me blush. “He’s lovely. You’d like him”, I said. “I’m sure,” you said, “you’ve always been very cautious with your choices.” We laughed together and I felt at peace.

Although we’ve talked on the phone 2 years ago and you’ve sent me chocolate, I haven’t seen you in 10 years. You must be in your forties already and my respect for you only grows. I hope I’ll get to see you again someday. You, your wife and your kids. They must be so lovely! They have a wonderful Father.

I’m sorry for sometimes calling you, “Daddy” in class. I understand that, as a teacher, it must have been embarrassing for you. But it wasn’t on purpose that I did that. I guess it was because my inner self was very, very fond of your character. You were the “man of my life” and my hero – emotionally substituting my biological Dad that I seldom got to see and be with. To me, you’ve been and are more important than you know.

I miss playing and singing with you. I miss you’re encouraging words and your voice. I miss going out with you, watching films and playing instruments. I even miss doing school work with you and you giving me exams and telling me how awesome I went. But, most of all, I miss you. I truly hope you are well.

Sunday night. Back from church.

“You can go ahead, honey. I don’t feel like sleeping yet”, he said, while taking off his coat. “But I’ll miss you”, she said, pulling him by his hand. Feeling his mind was wondering about something that had nothing to do with the her words and not getting the eye contact she wanted, she sighed, let go of him and added, “Try not staying up too late.” Hayley put on the grey vintage pyjamas she won as a wedding present from her cousin, brushed her teeth and smiled remembering the wonderful honeymoon she had with her husband 8 months ago, wishing she could go back in time and relive those golden days. Everything seemed so different now, but maybe that was normal. After all, she thought to herself, relationships shouldn’t be based in sexual romance, and she should be grateful her companion realised that too. Kyle was in the living-room, sitting on his favourite chair. His thick brown hair covered one eye while the other was fixed on the laptop screen. “Hot babes” was typed on a search page and his usual Sunday night porn tour had begun. Click. It’s just one after all. Click. Just a few. Click. Faster breaths. Click. Legs more apart. Click. Muscle tension. Click. Swallow. Click. Self control. Click. Hands sweating. Click. 2 o’clock. Click. Click. Click. Click click click click click… “Kyle?” Puffing. “Kyle!” He turns around. “I can’t sleep,” Hayley said, dragging a pillow on the floor. She gets closer and sees Kyle’s tears. “Sweetie, what’s wrong?” Kyle stops her from hugging him and maximizes his web page. A picture of a naked woman in a sensual pose appears. “This. THIS is wrong!” Kyle cries. “This woman. These women! This is so stupid! I’M so stupid! I don’t understand!” Hayley just stood there, paralysed, looking at the screen. “Hayley, I love you. Will you ever forgive me?” “How long?” “How long what?” “For how long have you been doing this?” “I’m sorry.” “HOW LONG?” “Every Sunday night… about 4 months ago I think. I’m not sure… I…” “Goodbye, Kyle.” “Hayley, no! Wait!” She rushed off out of the house’s front door and ran desperately in hope of a solution, only stopping at an old rusted window to look at her reflection. “Hayley! Please!” Kyle’s voice echoed in the road. He was at the other side of it and ran towards her. He knelt down and hugged her legs while she stayed in silent. The cold wind cut their faces and sent Hayley to the ground. “Leave me alone!”, she cried, “I hate you!” But Kyle just held on tighter.

(…)

So, I was going to make a short story out of this, but have just realised it’d take several of pages to write what’s happened to both of them, that would explain when Kyle’s addiction to porn started and how Hayley lived and regained hope in true love after the incident. I’ll leave it up to you to imagine the rest of the drama and think about this issue. Have fun! 🙂

Oh, and by the way, it’s a fact that Sunday night is the time that most people look at porn. Right after going to a church meeting, yes. For those who’d like to know more about the subject, are struggling with it or knows someone that is and would like to help them, take a look at this site: xxxchurch

“If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell.” – Matthew 5:29

“And if your eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to enter life with one eye than to have two eyes and be thrown into the fire of hell.” – Matthew 18:9

“And if your eye causes you to sin, pluck it out. It is better for you to enter the kingdom of God with one eye than to have two eyes and be thrown into hell,” – Mark 9:47