I’m worn. (A song within depression.)

I’ve been struggling with depression again, and found this song to help me put my emotions into words. I hope it can help someone out there too. Only through God we can find strength to carry on.

“Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Saviour and my God.” Psalm 42:11

“Worn” – Tenth Avenue North

I’m tired I’m worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes
To keep on breathing
I’ve made mistakes
I’ve let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world

And I know that You can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That You can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn

I know I need to lift my eyes up
But I’m too weak
Life just won’t let up
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That You can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn

My prayers are wearing thin
Yeah, I’m worn
Even before the day begins
Yeah, I’m worn
I’ve lost my will to fight
I’m worn
So, heaven come and flood my eyes

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That You can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause all that’s dead inside will be reborn

Though I’m worn
Yeah I’m worn

“Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.” 1 Peter 5:6-7

“I waited patiently for the LORD; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear and put their trust in the LORD.” Psalm 40:1-3

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I dreamt with you again.

I like hanging out with you over there, where we can talk, I can tell you my inmost secrets, you can tell me how your life is going and compare what has changed and what hasn’t. I like it how you always listen to my stories and thoughts without interrupting me and make me feel good. I like your patience with me and your sincere hugs. It’s incredible how just seeing you makes me happy, how your smile hasn’t changed after all these years and how much love I have for who you are. You’ve always helped me so much. You’ve always been there when nobody else was. Thank you.

Last night, in my dream, I told you I was going to marry next year. You got surprised, then hugged me and said, “Wow!” Looking into the horizon you smiled and I smiled with you. You said it was amazing how things had changed and I had grown into such a lovely woman, making me blush. “He’s lovely. You’d like him”, I said. “I’m sure,” you said, “you’ve always been very cautious with your choices.” We laughed together and I felt at peace.

Although we’ve talked on the phone 2 years ago and you’ve sent me chocolate, I haven’t seen you in 10 years. You must be in your forties already and my respect for you only grows. I hope I’ll get to see you again someday. You, your wife and your kids. They must be so lovely! They have a wonderful Father.

I’m sorry for sometimes calling you, “Daddy” in class. I understand that, as a teacher, it must have been embarrassing for you. But it wasn’t on purpose that I did that. I guess it was because my inner self was very, very fond of your character. You were the “man of my life” and my hero – emotionally substituting my biological Dad that I seldom got to see and be with. To me, you’ve been and are more important than you know.

I miss playing and singing with you. I miss you’re encouraging words and your voice. I miss going out with you, watching films and playing instruments. I even miss doing school work with you and you giving me exams and telling me how awesome I went. But, most of all, I miss you. I truly hope you are well.