I’m worn. (A song within depression.)

I’ve been struggling with depression again, and found this song to help me put my emotions into words. I hope it can help someone out there too. Only through God we can find strength to carry on.

“Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Saviour and my God.” Psalm 42:11

“Worn” – Tenth Avenue North

I’m tired I’m worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes
To keep on breathing
I’ve made mistakes
I’ve let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world

And I know that You can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That You can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn

I know I need to lift my eyes up
But I’m too weak
Life just won’t let up
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That You can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn

My prayers are wearing thin
Yeah, I’m worn
Even before the day begins
Yeah, I’m worn
I’ve lost my will to fight
I’m worn
So, heaven come and flood my eyes

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That You can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause all that’s dead inside will be reborn

Though I’m worn
Yeah I’m worn

“Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.” 1 Peter 5:6-7

“I waited patiently for the LORD; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear and put their trust in the LORD.” Psalm 40:1-3

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Near-death experiences – personal encounters with demons 3

3. Demon in the dream.

I’ve always had dreams where a demon would appear and I had to fight them with swords or words, and cast them out in the name of Jesus and they’d leave, but this time it was different. In my dream, I saw a demon coming towards me and I could not move or say anything and I had lost all my energy and felt hopeless. Normally when this happens, after some time rebuking it in the name of Jesus in my mind, my voice would finally come out and it would leave, but this time I had no strength at all. I prayed to God telling Him that I could not take it anymore, that either He teach me how live or take me away from this world, and as my strength and voice did not come, I prayed specifically for God to take me, for me to die, for Him to allow me to die in my sleep, because I could not even fight this demon and I no longer wanted to live, and that I wanted to be with Him and could not take living on Earth any longer, that it was too difficult for me. At that moment, I could feel as if I was about to die and at the same time I felt very loved by God and then suddenly I woke up with my dad kneeling beside my bed in tears praying to the Lord. When I woke up he told me not to die and that he asked God not to take me then. It was an overwhelming moment I cannot put into words.

 

Near-death experiences – personal encounters with demons 1

These situations happened about 3 years ago, in the midst of my strong depressive years and moments. I hope they can encourage some and open the eyes of others. I sincerely do not remember the order in which they happened. In all cases, before they happened, I was feeling very suicidal.

 

1. Blood on the sheets.

I laid down on my bed and felt lots of difficulty in breathing. I looked around and saw a black ghost-like presence around my room. I could hear the word “suicide” being repeated very strongly, in my head and also from my surroundings. I felt very afraid and reached for my sheets that were at the end of my bed. As I was going to put them on I smelt blood and realised it was coming from my sheets. There was no blood on them but they smelt like blood all over. I began praying (in my mind, for I could not speak) and the word “suicide” became stronger. I sensed that someone close to me was going to commit suicide, so I started praying for everyone in my family, one by one. Then as the feeling didn’t leave, I started praying about some friends that I remembered. But the word “suicide” only grew stronger. Then I heard something saying “you” various times and I started crying because I was “caught” wanting to commit suicide. Then I prayed for God to help me and take those demons away, and He did. The blood smell also stopped and I could cover myself.

The next day in school I found out a boy my age had committed suicide. He was in the same class that I was a year ago, but I didn’t know him and had never seen him. His name is the same as my name (just taking the end “a” away) and he is the same age as me. That was the first time I experienced the “substitution theory”, where when a death or accident is about to happen and someone prays for it not to, it happens to someone else, normally with some “coincidences”. In this case, it was supposed to be me, but as I prayed, it was passed to someone else. I believe God allowed me to pray for my relatives and some friends so it would not be passed on to them, for a few days later, I heard my uncle was wanting to kill himself but did not.

After this happened I heard of a story in which a demon appeared when some people were crowded around a person that had died. A few people saw the demon, one of which told me the story. The demon was waiting to get that person and take him to hell. But, that person’s wife saw the demon and started shouting that it could not take him, because she wanted her husband alive. The demon then said that he had to take someone down today and that man was the one, but that if she wanted, he could leave him and take her instead. She then told him he could take him, for she didn’t want to die. That’s the theory of substitution, in practise.

Act fast.

She knew what would
happen.
That didn’t change
what she would
do.

The thoughts were rushing
now.
So fastly that
they stopped.

Nothing was left except
the option
that poured itself
against her
mind.

The consequences
would hurt.
Hurt like fire.
Hurt like rain.

For it’s not only bad
when it burns –
When it’s wet
it’s just as
evil.

Except it’s masked
in a perfect
disguise
she wouldn’t fall for
any more.

Too many times before.
In the past.
In the future.

But in the present, no!
This time she was
convinced.

That is was air
she was
breathing;

Lacking.

And it was blood
she was
seeing;

Smelling.

Quickly now.
There’s no more time.
There’s no more
time.

Run!

Die.

18-05-11

Paper and Pen – Suicide Note.

Today, during one of my university classes, a specific modern-looking poem appeared wherever I looked. It was about a pen and a paper working together to create the typical suicide note. I had to write it down before it made me insane. And now I present it here:

paper paper paper paper paper paper paper paper paper pa
paper paper paper paper paper paper paper paper paper pa
paper pen pen pen pen pen pen pen paper paper paper pap
paper paper paper paper paper paper paper paper paper pa
paper pen pen pen pen pen pen pen pen pen pen pen paper
paper pen pen pen pen pen pen pen pen pen pen pen paper
paper pen pen pen pen pen pen pen pen pen pen pen paper
paper pen pen pen pen pen pen pen pen pen pen pen paper
paper pen pen pen pen pen pen pen pen pen pen pen paper
paper pen pen pen pen pen pen pen pen pen pen pen paper
paper pen pen pen pen pen pen pen pen pen pen pen paper
paper pen pen pen pen pen pen pen pen pen pen pen paper
paper pen pen pen pen pen pen pen pen pen pen pen paper
paper pen pen pen pen pen pen pen pen pen pen pen paper
paper pen pen pen pen pen pen pen pen pen pen pen paper
paper pen pen pen pen pen pen pen pen pen pen pen paper
paper pen pen pen pen pen pen pen pen pen pen pen paper
paper pen pen pen pen pen pen pen pen pen pen pen paper
paper pen pen pen pen pen pen pen pen pen pen pen paper
paper pen pen pen pen pen pen pen pen pen pen pen paper
paper pen pen pen pen pen pen pen pen pen pen pen paper
paper pen pen pen pen pen pen pen pen pen pen pen paper
paper pen pen pen pen pen pen pen pen pen pen pen paper
paper pen pen pen pen pen pen pen pen pen pen pen paper
paper pen pen pen pen pen pen pen pen pen pen pen paper
paper pen pen pen pen paper paper paper paper paper pape
paper paper paper paper paper paper paper paper paper pap
paper paper paper paper paper paper paper pen pen pen pap
paper paper paper paper paper pen pen pen pen pen pen pap
paper paper paper paper paper paper paper paper paper pap
paper paper paper paper paper paper paper paper paper bloo
paper paper paper paper paper paper paper paper blood bloo
paper paper paper paper paper paper paper blood blood bloo

Have I gone mad?